The Higgs boson

wet t-shirt & bosoms

“We are nothing but quarks and electrons and a lot of empty space,” says physicist Fabiola Gianotti.

Ya have ta admit the above is a lot more than empty space.

On July 4, physicists announced their discovery of the Higgs boson particle in Switzerland.

scientists celebrate discovery

Switzerland huh?  How bout the plastic surgeons in Los Angeles pumping out big fake ones by the thousands…you want bosoms they’ll give you bosoms.

Oh…it’s not bosoms, it’s bosons…OK…so I guess I’m not smart enough to understand what a physics professor Brian Greene of Columbia University says about electron, neutrons, quarks and now bosons.  “We most naturally apply zero mass, but experiment reveals they have mass.”

Perfectly clear … right?  Maybe this will help, “The Higgs bosons has two functions.  One is to give mass.  The other is to prevent the standard model from going bananas.”  Fabiola Gianotti physicist CERN.

Higgs-boson or strange picture

Bananas I know bananas.  Hey so a bunch of bananas are now a mass of particles and more importantly,  it may now help physicists crack some other cosmological mysteries like:  the missing sock in the washing machine; it’s about the last drink not the 10 that came before it; Christmas presents that disappear (mine) after two days under the tree; the predictability of meeting or hearing someone say ‘at the end of the day’ before the end of the day; or an athlete saying ‘ya know’ 25 times during an interview.

Let’s sort this out a bit.  First of all it looks like I’m going to be forced into watching the Big Bang Theory to understand mass and bosons, lest we not forget Higgs “field”, which I think is where the Pittsburgh Pirates play their spring training games…and where the fuck was Stephen Hawking when this discovery took place?

Stephen Hawking

…and can you imagine Joe Biden trying to explain the dark energy that is forever pulling his brain apart.

Joe Biden is a quark and a boson

Dark matter maybe but not dark energy.

Dark matter holds the galaxy together , dark energy pulls the universe apart.  So says Higgs and his buddies as they creatively pit quarks against bosons.

To keep things as simple as possible,  assume that the energy $E$ could be represented as a polynomial expansion in $M$. That’s an expression of the form

\[ E(M)= a_0+a_1M+a_2M^2+a_3M^3... . \]

Now that  you understand Higgs and what  potential it holds in its bosons, please allow me to revisit an old movie called Weird Science starring Kelly LeBrock.

Two computer geeks design their “perfect” woman by filling their computer with various forms of data and images. When their computer reaches capacity, they decide to hack into a government mainframe for more processing power and data storage capacity. As a finishing touch they connect a barbie doll to their computer through a series of wires and electrodes. At the exact moment they hit “enter” to execute their program, a lightning bolt strikes their house leading to a series of supernatural occurrences. The scene ends with a violent explosion and when the smoke clears a beautiful woman (Kelly LeBrock)

Kelly LeBrock

emerges from the bathroom. Her first words to the boys are “so, what would you little maniacs like to do first?”

Well I’ll tell you what this maniac is going to do.  I’m going to tape a picture of Mrs Brady

Mrs Brady

to my lap top and

press enter and with Higgs’ help, out will pop Mrs. Brady II … bosoms and all.


The following deserve your attention and support:

…the Matthew W. Houlihan Foundation, Inc.


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One Response to The Higgs boson

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